3 Reasons Why People-Pleasing is a Passion Killer
So many people can feel completely drained by their relationships. They believe that you have to “make it work” with a lot of sacrifices and giving up what you want.
Do you relate?
If so, I encourage you to read on.
I'm here to tell you, relationships don't need to be exhausting or require painful sacrifices.
Relationships are NOT supposed to be “work.”
Relationships are supposed to be a refuge from work!
They are meant to be a loving playground in which each person prioritizes the other’s needs as highly as their own.
The truth is, when we feel that relationships are draining and exhausting, it's because we’re working them too hard. And that’s because people-pleasing to the point of self-sacrifice is a passion-killer.
Often I hear my clients say “I don’t want to ask my partner to do something I want or need, because I know then if they do it, it's only because I asked, and not because they want to.”
Here are three important points to make in response to this statement:
#1. You are asking your partner to be a mind-reader, and that is an assumption of omnipotence that your partner is not likely to live up to. (That said, if you HAVE stated your needs, and they were ignored several times, it's time to get loud or get gone.)
#2. This sentiment also usually expresses a deeper fear that your needs will be rejected as a burden or dismissed altogether. But in keeping your needs a secret, you are also completely unavailable to them, which will push them away from you emotionally, while at the same time you’re draining yourself trying to keep them around. In other words, you have a major inner conflict going on because you are not ACTING in accordance with what you WANT emotionally, and that creates an unsafe situation with a lot of mixed signals in a relationship.
#3. When our partners inspire and challenge us to step outside of our comfort zones, that is when we feel impassioned. And when we authentically voice our needs and our desires, regardless of how we fear they may be received, we step into our power. When we stand by those things and become our own self-advocates, we call a partner to step into alignment there, with us. These are the risks, and the fruits, of vulnerability.
For example…
When your partner expresses a need or desire, which creates an opportunity for you to contribute to their happiness and the evolution of the relationship, do you feel angry, or excited?
When your partner lets you know EXACTLY what would make them feel cared for and cherished in your relationship, do you resent their self-awareness or admire it?
When you agree to reassure a partner in all the ways that they have openly requested, and they melt like warm honey in your embrace, are you repulsed, or aroused?
When we declare our needs and ask that they be met, we are fully, emotionally and authentically present, and showing up for ourselves, our partners, in the relationship.
That’s damn sexy!
When we don’t advocate for our desires because we are too busy people-pleasing (out of a fear of rejection or abandonment), we fail to show up honestly and authentically in our relationships.
And that is not in service of love, or to the ultimate pleasure of you or your partner.
In fact, we are denying our partner something, in the people-pleasing.
And then, inexplicably (it seems), our partner gets turned off, or loses interest, or starts to emotionally distance themselves...which only makes us turn the people-pleasing up to full volume, and it becomes a snake eating its own tail.
In short, people-pleasing becomes a passion killer, because you wind up not pleasing anybody.
So what’s the answer? Start by asking what you want and expressing your needs. This doesn’t mean becoming a narcissist and forgetting everyone else. It does mean paying attention to your desires and sharing them with your loved ones. It takes a hefty dose of courage to speak up and self-advocate, but the reward is that you will feel in touch with yourself, you will feel stronger for using your voice, and chances are higher that your needs will actually be met.
If you need support breaking this pattern and expressing your core needs and wishes, I invite you to check out my Connect to your Core program, a 12-week journey where we discover what you want and what’s holding you back, while learning skills like clear communication and setting bold boundaries. We get real and raw and heal those parts of you that may have been disconnected long ago so you can have empowered relationships with fiery passion.
Show up, speak up, and start living a satisfying, connected life.
