We All Have Shame: How to Be Free of It
Shame is something we ALL experience, not just those who have experienced overwhelming trauma in their lives.
It is part of what it means to be human, influencing who we are and how we behave.
And yet most of us don’t want to talk about it; we fear and avoid shame because it leaves us feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable.
But that’s the problem: Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. Ignored and avoided, it’s a silent epidemic, spreading fear and encouraging negative behavior and thinking.
Our sense of shame is widespread, even universal, and can arise from many different situations and events.
Shame is often associated with a past or a present that we had little or no control over:
“Shame is my husband leaving me for my next-door neighbor.”
“Shame is infertility.”
“Shame is flunking out of school. Twice.”
“Shame is hiding the fact that I’m in recovery.”
“Shame is bankruptcy.”
And the list goes on and on. It’s important to note that shame and fear often walk together hand in hand.
The fire of shame is fed by silence, judgment, and secrecy; left to burn, it can damage all aspects of our lives. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Empathy has the potential to put out the flames, turn down the heat, and pull the fuel off the fire.
Empathy creates a hostile environment for shame–it literally can’t survive. By sharing your experience of shame with others who express empathy, you become able to move forward. Empathy is central and we need to hear and feel someone saying:
I get it; I’ve felt the same way.
What you are feeling is normal. It’s OK
I understand what you are going through.
So How Do We Overcome and Deal With Shame?
Because shame thrives when we feel most alone – cut off, separate, and different from those closest to us - when separation is removed or lessened, the feeling loses its power over us. Consider these four tips to use self-compassion as a means to overcome shame:
Practice self-kindness over self-judgment
Developing self-kindness involves being more understanding and forgiving of ourselves when we perceive our failures and inadequacies. Instead of being harsh, self-compassion involves recognizing we are imperfect and that the obstacles we face in life are inevitable.
2. Practice common humanity over isolation
Suffering and feelings of shame and personal inadequacy are universal among humans. We can benefit ourselves and those around us by recognizing that this is something we all go through – a shared experience.
3. Practice mindfulness rather than over-identification
A mindful state is nonjudgmental; it observes emotions and thoughts without trying to interrupt them or deny them. While we should not over-identify with the pain, we cannot ignore it and instead, must show ourselves self-compassion.
The web of shame is something that exists in our day-to-day lives. Shame triggers are often invisible, found in the fabric of society, the workplace, education, and even our families.
When we can recognize the catalyst of our shame and create authentic connections built on empathy while telling our story, we can emancipate ourselves. We can learn to redress the balance, from shame on one side to empathy on the other, showing ourselves and others kindness and compassion while allowing ourselves to become vulnerable.
It takes courage to enter that vulnerable space. But the beauty that lies here is the fact that this is where we can experience the most healing and deepest freedom we can possibly imagine. We can open and trust, feeling the foundation of worth that was ours since the very beginning.
