Am I Selfish?
This is a one of the most frequent questions I wrestle with as a woman, wife, and mother in our culture. I know I am not alone with this question.
Most of us are taught from an early age that being selfless is a good thing, and there are many proven benefits of altruism, to both our mental and physical well-being. But sometimes, the messaging we receive to be giving of ourselves, to push ourselves to the limit, be productive, and forgo our needs can be taken to an extreme. If we’re not attuned to who we are and what we want, we can start to make sacrifices that don’t just hurt or limit us, but actually negatively impact those we care for.
For me, living through a marriage of over 10 years allowed me to become really good at pleasing others and denying my needs. I slowly grew out of touch with who I was and what I really wanted. Then one day I discovered the practice of self-care by learning to meditate, exercise, setting strong boundaries and placing myself around people who cheered me on toward my goals. Through this process I gained greater confidence, peace, and happiness as I took my needs off the back burner. The result was a deeper connection to myself, my children and some of my close relationships.
It’s time to ditch the notion that self-care is selfish.
The line between self-care and selfish isn’t as fine as it may seem. Whereas selfish implies that the world revolves around you, self-care acknowledges that it includes you. It means giving yourself the attention, compassion, time and energy that you deserve.
We teach people how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop, and what we reinforce.
Sometimes the simple act of saying NO sends a message that our needs matter. Putting a stop to the automatic “yes machine” is a vital step for setting boundaries and learning to place more value on yourself, your time, and your desires.
It’s important to ask ourselves what the long term cost of denying our desires will be?
There is a point of diminishing return when the amount of physical and emotional energy you expend surpasses your reserves. As coping mechanisms weaken, the ripple effect becomes apparent; you feel even more stressed, further reducing your productivity and efficiency.
Tending to your own physical and psychological needs is one of the best gifts you can give not only to yourself but to every relationship you touch. Put away the expectation that coming last in line is the most loving way to live and start to claim the truth that you matter enough to assert your place in the world, voicing out loud one wish, one need, one desire at a time.
